Banquet’s Country Fried Chicken Bowl

By College Food Reviewer

We try so hard in life sometimes to be like others that we sometimes forget who we truly are and don’t even stop to realize that most people are just better than us. Why the fuck are we even trying? Everyone knows we’re god damn posers. Who am I even fooling!?! This is the obvious dilemma that faces Banquet on this go around with a item that totally isn’t just a shittier version of KFC’s famous and delicious bowls.

Banquet is coming straight out of high school here and trying to play with the pros and let me tell you this right fucking now; Banquet ain’t no Lebron. For starters this limp dick of a meal comes in a fucking microwave paper bowl thing. Look if I’m destroying myself eating this monstrosity the least you could to is put this bitch in plastic so I can bring down the rest of the world with me!

Before I have sung the praises of Banquet’s gravy and they showed up again in that department. It’s not as good as in the Deep Dish/Breakfast Pot Pie but its still solid. The chicken has some god damn problems though. For starters im pretty sure they only used the Achilles tendon of these poor fucking chickens and left the poor bastards to sit down crying the rest of their poor meaningless lives. Then they took these poor excuse for meat cuts threw more breading onto them than a table at Olive Garden and slapped it on the ass as it rolled out the door. The result is north of abysmal and south of mediocre.

Don’t worry though you probably won’t notice the chicken hiding under the 20 pounds of mashed potatoes. Seriously the amount of mashed potatoes in this motherfucker would make Paula Dean blush. Not to say the potatoes are bad… They’re just kinda wrong. Like when you accidentally call your teacher mom in the first grade or in Elementary Statistics. I found myself wanted to add salt for taste as opposed to the normal reason (to raise my cholesterol so I can die early with having to learn to like cigarettes).

All in all this meal should be seen as a lesson in restraint. There is nothing wrong with leaving things up to professionals. I will leave you with the wise words of some bitch on Fox, “Shut up and dribble”

I give this sorry bastard a 6/10

Peanut Butter & Honey Sandwich

By College Food Reviewer

There is never anything wrong with the basics. Whether it be restarting the Office the second you finish it, going to the same bar every night or falling back in the good ole missionary position with the same cold unenthusiastic bitch for the hundredth time. Sometimes you just need something easy to feel good and wanted again. Sure, maybe it was amazing when you first found her; I mean it, but honestly after doing the same ole thing for this long you both are just kinda sad at this point. I mean come on. Yall said you would move on but here you are 200 sandwiches later and your number still flashes on my phone every now and then. Sure I groan when I see it but god dammit… I always go over. Its sad… I am fucking sad…

The peanut butter and honey sandwich is a small slice of perfection; like look, the peanut butter sandwich is just way too plain. You gotta slather on that sweet sexy honey to give it flavor. You gotta be conscious of ingredients too. Go with Great Value bread, peanut butter or worst of all honey and you’re not making a sandwich. You’re making a fucking monument to compromise and that’s not what this country was built on god dammit. America was built on “my way or highway” and “fuck your dad and kick your mom in the balls” ingenuity!! It’s either quality ingredients or why the fuck even try!?! And don’t try to be fucking healthy with this! Wheat bread? Who the fuck are you kidding! You’re eating this cause you are poor and sad not cause you’re trying to be heart healthy! Eat it with white bread you sullen bitch! AND DON’T EVEN FUCKING DREAM ABOUT NOT GETTING LOCALLY SOURCED HONEY. It isn’t about allergies you bougie idiot! It’s about quality and no one knows you better than your neighbors. Shop local kids. Be a good person, for fucks sake.

By the fucking by, if you skimp on the peanut butter you might as well just put shelled peanuts on the sandwich you dumb cunt. Look, I’m about as impotent as a Mufasa (you really think Simba was Mufasa’s kid? Wake up sheeple) but even I can work up enough of a goddamn boner to buy the right fucking peanut butter! This is like buying an iPhone. You gotta get the name brand. If you get a fucking YouPhone than you might as well jump out the damn window! I don’t care if its cheaper! You know what else is cheaper? My ex and I can tell you she’s not worth the $35 a night it takes for her to let you defile her for the 300th time. And the money you saved won’t cover the lifelong pill prescriptions you’ll have to buy to make sure your dick doesn’t look like a damn cucumber!

I give this bitch a 9/10.

Banquet’s Sausage & Gravy Deep Dish

By College Food Reviewer

When wandering the aisle of Kroger on a Saturday night after 11pm one must keep an open mind. At this point you really can’t be picky about anything. I mean for fucks sake you’re alone on a Saturday and decide THIS is the ideal time to go grocery shopping?? What the fucks wrong with you? Are you this unlovable that this is the best way you can spend your damn time? Like sure tell yourself this is better than sitting around watching How I Met Your Mother with your damn cat. Whatever keeps you from finally swallowing the last of those codeine.

This is the situation i found myself in a few nights ago and as I gazed down the frozen dinner aisles. Skirting past the family meals (cause who the fuck am I kidding?), a light shone down from the heavens. Not like an angelic light, more like the spotlight at a stripclub showing you a bit more than you wanted to see of that poor accountants daughter. And under this grossly sterile light what would sit? Banquet’s Sausage & Gravy Deep Dish.

In my travels, I have come across many things that claim to be deep dish. Pizzas, cookies,IMG_3963 brownies, and other random shit; deep dish is like sex. Everyone’s definition of what actually makes it sex is a little different. But everyone’s opinion is valid. No one is more right than anyone else. Whether it is the passionate love making of long time lovers, two sweaty teens doing mouth stuff in the back of his mom’s Chevy Malibu or whatever weird shit is going on in German porn. However, I can say unequivocally that Banquet’s Sausage and Gravy Deep Dish is not sex. Or a deep dish… I got kinda lost in the metaphor there but regardless that shit is false advertising. Like what the fucks wrong with just calling it a breakfast pot pie? Cause that’s what this motherfucker is; and it ain’t a bad pot pie!

Gravy in this bad boy is one of the best I have come across. It doesn’t have that thick consistency that most of the microwave meals have. The sausage is shit but all sausage you cook in a microwave is shit. Not the grossest texture and I mean you’re fucking eating a $1 fake ass pot pie, the hell are you judging another man’s sausage for? Not like you have the best sausage in the world. Girls talk.

IMG_3964One area that has been perfected by the culinary geniuses over at Banquet is the microwave crust. It is buttery and flaky and delicious. Kinda leaves your mouth dry but that’s why you gotta have your half gallon of milk handy for every meal. I can’t fuck with this refill nonsense.

All in all, Banquet has presented a decent product on this go around, full of gravy and false advertising. It gives you a fair amount of protein and is pretty solid all around. Meat isn’t too shitty and everything else is good.

I’d give it a 6.5/10