By College Food Reviewer
There is never anything wrong with the basics. Whether it be restarting the Office the second you finish it, going to the same bar every night or falling back in the good ole missionary position with the same cold unenthusiastic bitch for the hundredth time. Sometimes you just need something easy to feel good and wanted again. Sure, maybe it was amazing when you first found her; I mean it, but honestly after doing the same ole thing for this long you both are just kinda sad at this point. I mean come on. Yall said you would move on but here you are 200 sandwiches later and your number still flashes on my phone every now and then. Sure I groan when I see it but god dammit… I always go over. Its sad… I am fucking sad…
The peanut butter and honey sandwich is a small slice of perfection; like look, the peanut butter sandwich is just way too plain. You gotta slather on that sweet sexy honey to give it flavor. You gotta be conscious of ingredients too. Go with Great Value bread, peanut butter or worst of all honey and you’re not making a sandwich. You’re making a fucking monument to compromise and that’s not what this country was built on god dammit. America was built on “my way or highway” and “fuck your dad and kick your mom in the balls” ingenuity!! It’s either quality ingredients or why the fuck even try!?! And don’t try to be fucking healthy with this! Wheat bread? Who the fuck are you kidding! You’re eating this cause you are poor and sad not cause you’re trying to be heart healthy! Eat it with white bread you sullen bitch! AND DON’T EVEN FUCKING DREAM ABOUT NOT GETTING LOCALLY SOURCED HONEY. It isn’t about allergies you bougie idiot! It’s about quality and no one knows you better than your neighbors. Shop local kids. Be a good person, for fucks sake.
By the fucking by, if you skimp on the peanut butter you might as well just put shelled peanuts on the sandwich you dumb cunt. Look, I’m about as impotent as a Mufasa (you really think Simba was Mufasa’s kid? Wake up sheeple) but even I can work up enough of a goddamn boner to buy the right fucking peanut butter! This is like buying an iPhone. You gotta get the name brand. If you get a fucking YouPhone than you might as well jump out the damn window! I don’t care if its cheaper! You know what else is cheaper? My ex and I can tell you she’s not worth the $35 a night it takes for her to let you defile her for the 300th time. And the money you saved won’t cover the lifelong pill prescriptions you’ll have to buy to make sure your dick doesn’t look like a damn cucumber!
I give this bitch a 9/10.
College Food Reviewer 