By College Food Reviewer
When wandering the aisle of Kroger on a Saturday night after 11pm one must keep an open mind. At this point you really can’t be picky about anything. I mean for fucks sake you’re alone on a Saturday and decide THIS is the ideal time to go grocery shopping?? What the fucks wrong with you? Are you this unlovable that this is the best way you can spend your damn time? Like sure tell yourself this is better than sitting around watching How I Met Your Mother with your damn cat. Whatever keeps you from finally swallowing the last of those codeine.
This is the situation i found myself in a few nights ago and as I gazed down the frozen dinner aisles. Skirting past the family meals (cause who the fuck am I kidding?), a light shone down from the heavens. Not like an angelic light, more like the spotlight at a stripclub showing you a bit more than you wanted to see of that poor accountants daughter. And under this grossly sterile light what would sit? Banquet’s Sausage & Gravy Deep Dish.
In my travels, I have come across many things that claim to be deep dish. Pizzas, cookies,
brownies, and other random shit; deep dish is like sex. Everyone’s definition of what actually makes it sex is a little different. But everyone’s opinion is valid. No one is more right than anyone else. Whether it is the passionate love making of long time lovers, two sweaty teens doing mouth stuff in the back of his mom’s Chevy Malibu or whatever weird shit is going on in German porn. However, I can say unequivocally that Banquet’s Sausage and Gravy Deep Dish is not sex. Or a deep dish… I got kinda lost in the metaphor there but regardless that shit is false advertising. Like what the fucks wrong with just calling it a breakfast pot pie? Cause that’s what this motherfucker is; and it ain’t a bad pot pie!
Gravy in this bad boy is one of the best I have come across. It doesn’t have that thick consistency that most of the microwave meals have. The sausage is shit but all sausage you cook in a microwave is shit. Not the grossest texture and I mean you’re fucking eating a $1 fake ass pot pie, the hell are you judging another man’s sausage for? Not like you have the best sausage in the world. Girls talk.
One area that has been perfected by the culinary geniuses over at Banquet is the microwave crust. It is buttery and flaky and delicious. Kinda leaves your mouth dry but that’s why you gotta have your half gallon of milk handy for every meal. I can’t fuck with this refill nonsense.
All in all, Banquet has presented a decent product on this go around, full of gravy and false advertising. It gives you a fair amount of protein and is pretty solid all around. Meat isn’t too shitty and everything else is good.
College Food Reviewer 